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Dean Powers for President!
Antonin and Ruth
Might as well get the obvious one out of the way: Dean Powers taught Bill Clinton everything he knows about cigars.
Dean Powers, as a silent partner of CBS, was in negotiations with Chuck
Norris about the theme song to Walker: Texas Ranger. Chuck insisted on
including the lyric, "..breakin' the law, such a disgrace, the Ranger
will roundhouse kick your face," but Powers strongly objected and
insisted on including part of the Texas song,".the eyes of Texas are
upon you." This infuriated Chuck who tried to roundhouse kick Powers in
the face, but the Dean is the only person alive to ever avoid a Norris
roundhouse kick to the face. Stunned by his cat-like reflexes, Chuck
agreed on a compromise and included the lyric.."the eyes of the ranger
are upon you." ...and that is the rest of the story.
--Bobby D, Texas 1L
As previous editor of Harvard Law review, writer of Restatements of
Torts, and overall legal bad ass, the dean's "powers" are beyond his
control. TRUE STORY- last year, a student went to the Dean's office to
discuss how he'd had a rough semester in his personal life and wanted
to see about getting "incompletes" in his classes. Saddened and
disturbed by his story, the Dean took pity, but explained that without
some proof, he couldn't allow the student to simply skip his exams.
Earlier in the day, Billy (the dean)was running short on time and was
forced to purchase his lunch in the Atrium: a poorly refrigerated
"sandwich like" substance. The student's story so disturbed Billy that
a percolation of the meat-based product occurred in his gut releasing a
pungent burnt plastic/apple aroma and the sound of someone stepping on
a frog. The student was equally surprised and disgusted by the whole
event. Leaving the dean's office insulted and injured, he was forced to
take his finals without having studied at all. Armed only with the
molecules of "aromatic essence" that is Dean Powers, the student made
all A+'s.
--Mr. splickety splicken
While in college, Dean Powers was short on cash and decided to sell
some of his "spirit" to a sperm bank. Facts about his deposit relayed
to us from the bank:
"currently sells for $100K/ounce, however there is a bulk discount"
"needs no refrigeration!"
"smells like Old Spice!"
"a little dab'll do ya!"
"capable of impregnating a woman from across the room!"
"his product is so popular, he qualifies as a 'lost volume' seller"
--Mr. Splickety Splicken
Every time Dean Powers smokes a cigar, a law student regains her virginity. Then she immediately loses it again to Dean Powers.
When Dean Powers was born, the nurse said, "Oh my god, it's Dean
Powers!" and nearly dropped him, causing Dean Powers' mother much
distress. Dean Powers immediately sued the hospital for negligent
infliction of emotional distress and won, even though the tort was not
recognized in that jurisdiction.
Before Dean Powers, there was no such thing as products liability.
The street that runs next to the law school was originally supposed to
be called "Dean Powers Street," but Dean Powers quietly asked those in
charge to name it after Keeton instead, after pointing out that he
(Dean Powers) wasn't actually dean yet. They eventually agreed, but they weren't
happy about it.
Dean Powers doesn't actually like cigars. He just thinks they complete the outfit.
Many people do not know that Dean Powers sold the naming rights to his [edited out by Ruth, but use your imagination] to Baker Botts.
Dean Powers isn't that big of a football fan, but decided to go to the
first home game of this season. After the game, he wanted to
congratulate Vince on a job well done. The Dean shook his hand. This
was the first time he had shaken his hand. Vince has led the team to
10-0 and will probably win the national championship for UT for the
first time in decades. Coincidence? I think not.
--Mr. Splickety Splicken
When Dean Powers was born, he took his dad's celebratory cigar and smoked it himself.
At one point in the Dean's career, he almost left the law to pursue
acting. The following is just a brief list of the roles he auditioned
for and why he didn't get the part:
"Tootie" from the Facts of Life - Too many arguments with Blair on the set.
"BA Baracus" from The A Team - Too physically imposing, would turn viewers off. Wanted someone a little more "tame."
"Frodo" from Lord of the Rings - Not believable as a person.
"A
Third Old Guy Muppet to sit in the balcony with the other two old guys"
from The Muppet Show - Believable as a muppet, but unless you're Whoopi
Goldberg, you need some eyebrows, dude.
"President of the United
States" from Fox News Live - Too intelligent and educated.
Overqualified. Afraid would leave job for better work.
--Mr. Splickety Splicken
during 1L orientation, we listened to a federal judge speak at lunch.
dean powers asked graciously if he can sit at our table. we nodded. the
dean sat and then proceeded to pick his teeth for a good 2 minutes
while we ate and listened.
Dean Powers urinates money.
At the age of 16, instead of convincing his parents to buy him a car,
he had them donate 1 million to send him and all of his minority
friends to college in exchange for shitty drawing of the two of them.
Dean Powers was the wiseman that brought baby Jesus gold. He'd hosted a fundraiser earlier that day.
There is a portrait of Dean Powers hidden in the basement of the law school. Students who stand in front of it on midnight the morning of their first final made straight A+s that semester.
The trees outside the law school are watered with Dean Powers' spit.
I hear he's Welsh.
There is a reason his last name is Powers, but everyone who knows the reason has since turned up dead.
Every year at Halloween, exactly 78 children in the Austin area dress up as Dean Powers. They get, on average, 49% more candy than children who are not dressed up as Dean Powers.
Notice how you never actually see Dean Powers smoking cigars? It's because he eats them. He eats a box a day.
The Torts textbook that Dean Powers co-wrote? He didn't actually write any of it. He just thought about what he wanted to write and the words magically appeared on the pages.
Law students who are truly dedicated to their studies are inducted into a secret group. As part of their induction, they are branded with Dean Powers' initials.
Sometimes, when God gets busy, he delegates prayer answering to Dean Powers.
Last semester this one law student's computer crashed the morning of his Torts final. Dean Powers lent him a pen to take the exam, and he got an A+.
When Dean Powers went to his son's career day at school, all of the other parents lined up to get his autograph.
Dean Powers has his own private jet. You don't even want to know how it's fueled.
Dean Powers has great abs.
Dean Powers can make a woman climax by simply lighting a cigar.
Now, dear readers, we could easily compile a list of facts ourselves, but we have a better idea. We want you to contribute facts about the Dean. Simply reply to this post with your random fact. Leave your name if you want it attributed to you. We'll compile 30 of the funnier facts and post them when we come back after the Thanksgiving break. You can leave us as many facts as you'd like. And then, if your fact is one of the 30, then you can tell all of your friends that you were cool enough to get onto the A.C. Trust us, you'll be the envy of everyone you know.
So enjoy your turkey and stuffing,
Antonin and Ruth
* These facts obviously don't have to be true.
** Cigar-related facts will be capped at 8, because we think our readers can be more creative than that.
*** There was no three-asterisk footnote, but because we are going to compile these, comments will be screened. So if you comment anonymously, you won't be able to see your comment once you post it.
