1. An Amazon Kindle. Yes, I realize I'm a single mother. Yes, I realize that I don't have time to read for fun. But the anytime Wikipedia access alone makes it worth every penny.

2. A Maid. Right now our laundry schedule is emergency only. I can't tell you when I last vacuumed.

3. An Inmate Visit Care Kit, including hand sanitizer, Vic's Vapo Rub (to put in my nose to mask the jail smell), and a 50-pac of cheap Bic pens that can be thrown away after my client with the staph infection uses it to sign papers.

4. A Bottle of Jack Daniels. For old time's sake.

5. A Decision From ABC Not to Cancel Eli Stone and Pushing Daisies After All.

6. A Note From Sallie Mae Saying "Surprise, Someone Paid Off Your Student Loans!"

This little poem was inspired when my co-worker explained to me about The Christmas Dismissal. It's really meant for that case that scheduled to pick a jury right after the holiday that the defense stands a good chance of winning, but I thought it would much more fun if it went like this...



'Twas two days before Christmas, and all set to plead
Was a baby attorney and her client with weed.
The judge sat at his bench and called out the cases
Looks of worry and fear on all the defendants' faces.
The DAs were swamped, but try as they may
They couldn't see how to get done by Christmas day.
Too many cases to wrap up, too many witnesses to find
The baby PD saw they were in quite a bind.
Her client was poor, as they always were
And this one in particular was depending on her.
He had no record; it was just a bit of pot
If not for those traffic warrants, he'd have never been caught.
PTD was expensive, probation too long
Jail was a place where he didn't belong.
"What about a dismissal," he asked his PD
"I can ask," she said, "but it's not very likely."
She thought for a minute then came up with a plan
Something where her client wouldn't answer to the man.
She approached the DA, smiling quite brightly
(But behind her back, her fingers were crossed quite tightly).
"Have a heart," said the PD, "after all, it is Christmas.
I'd like to tell you about this case I'd like you to dismiss."
The DA eyed her warily, he'd heard it all before
And he found most sob stories to be more of a snore.
But he heard what she had to say, and then he nodded
As if her story had left his brain somewhat prodded.
If he let some cases go, his docket would clear
He might actually wrap up some cases before the end of the year.
Then he grabbed up his paper and with a swish of his pen
The Motion to Dismiss was signed... but then
He wrote out another, and yet another still
And one more, and two more, it was such a thrill.
The other attorneys, to the DA they came
When he was done, he called the defendants by name:
"Now Ascher, and Nancy, Gonzales and Switzen,
"Come on Diaz and Baker, now Johnson and Williams.
Your charges are dropped, your cases dismissed
I've done it all in the spirit of Christmas."
The defendants were joyous, the attorneys amazed
The Judge, though he agreed, seemed a little dazed.
He signed all the motions, the attorneys all cheered
And the DA that day was more than a little revered.
As the defendants all left, the DA said with a whistle,
"Merry Christmas to all... enjoy your Christmas Dismissal!"

Growing up, we had one Christmas album. It was a Reader's Digest 6-LP set called "Christmas by the Fireside" featuring a group called the Fireside Singers. They weren't the most vocally impressive group in the world, but with 6 LPs, they covered pretty much every traditional Christmas song. Every year, we'd play those records while putting up the tree, during random times throughout the season, and pretty much nonstop on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Even after everything else moved to cassette tapes and then CDs, we kept our handy dandy turntable hooked up to the rest of the stereo in order to play those records at Christmastime.

Until a few years ago when we couldn't find the records.

We searched the house up and down. Tore apart the various storage areas including the closet under the stairs, the shed, the garage, and my parents' walk-in closet. It was nowhere to be found. So for the first time since the early 80s, we were forced to purchase Christmas music.

A typical trip to buy Christmas CDs went like this: my mom and I would start browsing the CDs, and we'd read the backs of each one in detail. We wanted traditional carols, not contemporary versions where the music was off or people took liberty with the songs. So most of the collections done by a single artist or group were out. A Destiny's Child collection, e.g., would never be found in our home. Needless to say, we were never able to find a single collection that included ALL the songs we wanted. It was even harder to find versions that really spoke to us. And as far as we knew, Reader's Digest had never released a CD version of our beloved "Christmas by the Fireside."

And so it went. Every year, I'd start a new search to find either my beloved Christmas album or several CDs to attempt to take its place. And every year, I ended up disappointed. My family now has no less than 10 Christmas CDs, but none of them are just right. We even had a false alarm when my mom thought she'd found the collection on eBay, but it turned out to be a different Reader's Digest compilation. So sad.

Fast forward to Christmas 2005. I started my yearly search for "Christmas by the Fireside," and decided that some of my online acquaintances were more apt at searching for things than I was. So I posted about it on my personal blog, and within the day, a friend of mine located it on eBay for a very reasonable price and had the winning bid. My beloved album arrived on Christmas Eve (as a gift from my wonderfully sweet friend), and I was surprised by own emotional attachment to the records when their impeccable condition brought tears to my eyes. I selected my favorite of the six LPs and ran down to the stereo system.

To my dismay, we no longer had a working turntable.

And so I had to go yet another year without my "Christmas by the Fireside." Can you guess what's on my Christmas list this year? :P

Rumor has it that some of the UT Law professors got together and did a Secret Santa exchange. According to my Top Sekrit source, the following gifts were exchanged:

Professor Wellborn was thrilled to finally get Professor Rau an "I'm the Unibomber" sweatshirt with matching socks.

Professor D. Robertson gave Professor Sturley an oar.

Dean Powers gave Professor D. Robertson a copy of Posner: The Collected Works.

Professor Woolley received Star Trek - The Motion Pictures DVD Collection and a gift certificate to Clay Pit.

Professor Cohen got Professor Sager an extreme makeover. Coincedentally, Sager got Cohen the same thing.

If anyone wants to get me one of these, I promise to display him prominently on the desk just like the Socrates Bust!Guy. In fact, I'll even sit by him in class and let the two busts get to know one another. I would also offer to dress the bust in festive holiday decorations, but I don't think Professor Snape would much appreciate that.