Dear Men,

Your lives will be much easier if you'd stop insisting on sleeping with women who want to send you to jail. If your girlfriend calls the police because she's pissed off at you, then this advice applies to you. Break it off and stay far away. You'll appreciate this advice when there is significantly less crazy in your life.

And to the rest of you, don't hit women. Didn't your parents teach you when you were little not to hit girls? That rule doesn't go away when you turn eighteen. Or ever.

You're Welcome,
Ruth

As this year's 2Ls and 3Ls are in the midst of the add/drop period and trying to figure out how to build the perfect schedule for OCI (2Ls) or excessive apathy (3Ls), I decided to list some of the more popular class-scheduling techniques.

Pick Classes Taught By Good Professors

Now, depending on who you talk to, the UT profs are either mostly bad with a few gems or mostly good with a few who make you want to bludgeon yourself to death with your laptop. In other words, this can be very easy or very hard depending on your viewpoint. The pros for picking classes this way are obvi: good professors mean you're more likely to (a) stay awake, (b) actually learn, and (c) not spend the 50-minute class period thinking of all the possible ways to kill yourself using only 6 highlighters and a casebook. The cons are that they either all tend to teach at the same time, or they teach classes at odd times when no one wants to be in class (think evenings and Fridays). So, for the five of you who still think that law classes are valuable because of what you learn, this technique could be the right one for you. For everyone else, I suggest this technique only in conjunction with at least one other discussed below.

Take All the "Clerkship" Classes

For the overachievers among my readers (not many, as they would be studying and not reading this blog), this one's for you. This technique is not for the faint of heart, nor is it for those who enjoy a cold beer more than once a month, because these classes usually contain the word "Federal" and are followed by even scarier words such as "Income Tax" or simply "Courts." Plus, if your grades are good enough that you think a clerkship could be in your future, then you're also probably expecting to rock out OCI. Therefore, you'll be taking these scary classes while flying to Dallas and Houston every other day. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be forced to watch Hostel 2 with my eyes actually open than be stuck with that courseload. So again, if you're reading this blog, this class-choosing technique is probably not for you. For those who can handle it, they'll simply ask themselves, "What would Kadens do?" and that should get them the classes they seek.

Take GPA-Inflation Classes

These include classes that have a reputation for being light, classes off the curve, seminars, and (depending on your current GPA) Pass/Fail classes. There's really not much to add about this technique, except that you have to possess the basic social skills to allow you to talk to others and find out which classes fit in this category. But a warning to my lazy readers: if grade inflation is your goal, beware scheduling only classes that are labeled "easy." Easy classes mean more B+ are given out, and unless you've got a 3.2 or lower, a B+ isn't going to raise your GPA. If you're just looking to spend the most possible time partying and the least possible time studying, then you're looking for the Easy-Breezy class-selection technique, which is pretty much what it sounds like.

Pick Classes to Minimize Back Pain and Maximize Spending Money

I.e. take classes with no assigned casebooks. Look for classes that only have Sales Office Materials or, better yet, those where all the readings are posted on Black Board. The $600 or more you would normally spend on books + the money for a locker to keep them in can now be spent on clothes, beer, or green fees. Go you!

Pick Classes That Maximize Your Weekend

This technique goes beyond the "No Classes on Fridays" that any upper classmen with a commitment to Bar Review can master. This requires extra skill and an intense desire for long weekends. To really take this technique to the next level, you should schedule classes only on Mondays and Tuesdays. It can be done. I had a friend who pulled it off. You may end up taking boring classes with horrible professors and expensive textbooks, but your weekend will start on Wednesday, and that is a beautiful thing. If this is important to you, I suggest you make this your primary class-selection technique.


And with that, you may now return to your regular Add/Drop period. Choose wisely, dear readers. Your semester depends on it.

So, IIRC, today is the first day of 1L orientation. *cue ominous music*

As an alumn, I'm not privy to this year's orientation schedule, but I do remember that three years ago I was very very bored. (Funny, for some people, that didn't really change much over those three years.) Looking back on our orientation, which was two days long (I'm sure this has not changed) it was pretty pointless. We learned about the "importance" and "great tradition" of the legal education. Isn't that sort of like preaching to the choir? I mean, we already know it's important or at least a good idea, or else we wouldn't be there. Shouldn't that speech be saved for prospectives? Then we listened to an alumni judge and some other peeps, and generally I just whispered jokes under my breath to the two people I recognized that morning and therefore sat with. Even the whole getting to know your mentor group/society stuff was kind of forced. And I couldn't remember my society program coordinator and wondered for the rest of the school year who that one person was who kept sending me emails about events (our events sucked my 1L year because all we did were educational panels and the like; you all will have it much better). Word on the street is that they've improved orientation since then, but I believe students are the best judges of that, so if you were there, and you're reading this, please weigh in and let the masses know useful it was.

So have fun, ickle firsties. It's either a long three years, or the fastest ever, depending primarily on how much alcohol you consume and whether you do so alone or in the company of others. And then it culminates in the worst summer of your life following graduation. You've much to look forward to. :P I'm sure you all don't really read this blog anyway, seeing as I'm pretty much old news and you didn't have time to grow fond of me before I graduated. But should one or two of you stumble here via other blogs, I thought I should offer some advice. But I've done advice posts before, and I even wrote a speech (all on my own, without copying anyone) about how to approach law school. So this time I'll just boil it all down to the most important advice of all.



If the entire class of 2010 can follow that advice, your three years at UT will be way more tolerable.

My least favorite time of year has come once again: Texas Relays. I'm not sure I even know exactly what Texas Relays is (I mean, is it just people running relays?), but I know that it will be impossible to get onto campus in a vehicle. In fact, if you don't live within walking distance of campus, I wouldn't plan on coming either Friday or Saturday. On Friday you might be able to get away with taking the shuttle, but that's it. But I repeat, do not try to drive your vehicle on campus this Friday or Saturday. Even if you have a San Jac garage permit, you will be stuck in ridiculously long and slow lines as people try to pay $10 to park there. And I guarantee that none of the drivers will understand parking garage etiquette and will wait 20 minutes for someone to leave in order to take a spot on the 3rd floor and hold up the line. No good will come of it and you will spend the rest of the day pissed at the world. Inevitably, you will realize that you forgot something at home that you really need, and you will not be able to go back and get it because it took you an hour to get on campus and park. Your entire day will be ruined.

I give advice from time to time on this blog, and even if you've never listened to anything I've typed here, listen to this. Unless you can walk to school on Friday or Saturday, do not come. Pack your books up Thursday afternoon and spend Friday at a coffee shop. You'll thank me for it. I promise.

/been there, hated it

Dear Ruth,

Well, this is another fine mess I've gotten myself into. It's november and I've done squat for classes - again. This time I might have pushed the limits. I'm taking several class regarded as amongst the most dificult at our Law school. I know I'm a 3L and shouldn't care - but I can't help myself.

I'm trying to knuckle down but nothing's working. If there's a distraction around, I'll find it and focus on it until I say - well, there's always tomorrow.

This can't continue (or can it?) - what do you advise?

Dear Reader,

Today I had stuff to do. Legitimate things that I needed to get done. So how did I spend my morning? I spent roughly 90 minutes making paper turkeys by tracing people's hands and putting them up around the mentor office. I am so fucked that I can't even think about it.

So I can't advise you, because if we have any classes together, I need all the help on the curve that I can get.

Ruth

Dear Ruth,

I'm a 1L and so far I love UTLaw, but I'm a little upset about the facilities. First the cafeteria downstairs wasn't finished even though we were told it would be. But then we also don't have a common fridge that is open for student use. When I was in grad school, we had a fridge in the grad student lounge, and there just isn't one here unless you're on a journal or with a student organization that has one. I think that one or two in the Tom Clark lounge should be sufficient. I've already approached some people who I thought would be helpful about this, but they just don't seem to care. So I was wondering if you would post this on your blog to just get the word out about this problem. Maybe if more people are upset about it, something will be done. I'm just tired of eating room temperature yogurt at lunch.

Sincerely,
[Name Omitted By Ruth]

Dear 1L,

Normally I like to be as helpful as possible when readers send me email. It makes me happy when people take the time to write me, and I generally try not to alienate readers when I can avoid it. But your email made me go WTF more than once.

Maybe you weren't paying attention during orientation, but there are over 400 people in your class. There are an additional 400+ in last year's class. And 400+ in my class. That's over... a lot of people, even after you adjust for the fact that many 2Ls and 3Ls don't come to school much these days. That still leaves problem of having over 400 people and no one assigned to clean these fridges that you speak of. The reason the people who you thought would be helpful don't seem to care is because it wouldn't be feasible for a school our size. Also, people steal stuff at the law school, so your while your yogurt wouldn't be room temperature, there's a possibility that it just wouldn't be there at all come lunch time. And room temperature yogurt, in my opinion, is better than having none at all.

Also, the problem of room temperature yogurt can be solved for less than $2. It's called Blue Ice. You should maybe look into it. One of those things plus an insulated lunch box and your lunch stays pretty cold throughout the day. It's amazing what technology can do.

Ruth

A friend today was comparing my blog to Opinionistas, and he said that what he liked about my blog was that it was light, and that it didn't feel like I'd spent "hours trying to come up with just the right turn of phrase" to describe my trip to the eye doctor (which is actually on my to-do list). So I thought I'd share some of my blogging know-how with the masses.

First, I plan topics about a week in advance. I keep really generic posts on hand as well--ones that can be easily adapted to cover hot topics and breaking news. I just plug the specific terms into my generic post, make a few more tweaks, and it's ready to go. Contrary to popular belief, I actually spend at least three hours on every post. Two and a half of those hours are spent trying to come up with the kind of tone that makes the post seem spontaneous and edgy. Even the new Dean announcement last spring. Everyone thought I'd posted that immediately, but really I'd had that info for hours. It was just a matter of finding the right words.

Second, I have great editors. Three trusted advisers who read all of my posts and offer feedback and editing. They have to be people you can trust though, because you wouldn't want them spoiling your posts for you by emailing them to their friends ahead of time. That's the equivalent of those fuckers who post Harry Potter spoilers on the intrawebs even though there is like trade embargo stuff on the books and I read them with relish anyway. The tursted editors also help me keep the typos and misspellings to a minimim.

Third, I am well-connected. I mean, really well connected. Not only do I regularly IM with other bloggers to keep up to date on what law students really care about, but I also have meetings with faculty to discuss possible topics for future posts. Watch this space next week for "So You've Got a Few MIPs and Now You've Got to Tell the Bar... Now What."

Fourth, I have a great fan base. To up my numbers, I pay have my extended family read each day.

Fifth, I never attempt to be witty or clever or poignant. In fact, I don't even know the exact definition of poignant, so if I ever am, it's an accident.

Sixth, I'm not afraid to post about things that most people would find embarrassing. Throwing up on the hiring partner after drinking too much and flashing the recruiting coordinators? Haven't actually done that, but if I had, I would've posted about it. And that's an AC guarantee.

(What Would Wings&Vodka Write?)

Today has been a sad day in my blogging life. I finally removed my bookmark to Wings&Vodka, and I resigned from De Novo after finally admitting to myself that I really never post there.

So when I got the following email today, I was really feeling the void in my life. Mostly I knew that if W&V was still blogging, that email would have gone to him instead of me. In fact, the email probably did go to him instead of me and was then sent to me only after his sign off. But whatevs. The point is that he would have answered it much better than I can, and it's sad that he won't be answering it. Here's the email:

Dear Ruth,

As you probably know, this Saturday is the biggest day in college football this season. I have season tickets, and I'm definitely going to the game, but I do have a LOT of reading to do too. Like I said, I'm already going to the game, so my question is should I tailgate first? And if so, then what time should I start? I'm asking you because you seem to take a level-headed approach to law school.

Thanks,
1L

Now see, I would have just ignored that email because WTF? We haven't even been in school two full weeks yet! But I had to stop and ask myself WWW&VW? And he wouldn't berate this poor, confused 1L. So in W&V's memory, I will try to give advice lovingly.

Dear 1L,

Balance is the key to staying happy in law school. Clearly you've already realized this, since you're planning on attending the game, and I applaud you for it. As for tailgating, that's a little trickier. I hesitate to tell you to go, because if you fall behind now, that could really cost you on your exams in December. After all, the really dedicated students will be sitting this game out. On the other hand, if you're going to the game, I suspect you've already got a handle on your semester, meaning you've done all your class reading, outlined your courses, and have moved onto practice exams. So the way I see it, if you've done at least two practice exams in each class, then go ahead and start at noon with the slackers. If you've only done one exam in each class, you may want to stay in the library until about 2:00 or so. And even if you haven't done a practice exam in every class yet, you can still probably afford to get about an hour or two of tailgating before the big game. And if you're feeling at all unsure of yourself, just take some flashcards with you to go over during time outs and half time.

Glad to help,

Ruth

Dear Ruth,

I'm really interested in public interest and want to get involved with TLF. But I was talking to a 2L and he told me not to get involved with any organizations during my 1L year. I must admit, I am a little afraid of overextending myself. What do you think?

Signed,
Eventually TLF-bound

Dear TLF-Bound,

You've probably asked the wrong person for advice, because I'm quite fond of overextending myself. In fact, I feel dead inside if I'm not running around like a crazy person trying to meet all of my obligations and still find time to drink three nights a week. During 1L year, though, I think I limited myself to being an officer in one organization, doing journal work in the spring, doing all the IM sports, and attending social events. I really don't think that joining TLF or BOA or ACS or SBA or whatever strikes your fancy will over extend you. You don't have to worry about jobs and things in the fall, and you'll quickly find that while there's a lot of reading to do, it can generally be accomplished in a 24-hour period without having to give up on the essentials like sleep and beer. If you plan your time wisely, you should be able to get all your studying done, attend your TLF meetings and still have time to catch Grey's Anatomy on Sundays and make Bar Review on Thursday nights.

So, relax. If you enter law school thinking that you won't ever do anything but read, you'll find yourself miserable real quick. Join TLF and tell them Ruth sent you.

Sincerely,
Ruth